It’s funny how your life can change in a blink of an eye. At twenty-five I had my life completely mapped out, I was going to be a corporate executive for Anheuser-Busch, have great loft apartment that overlooked the city of St. Louis and live the American dream of a swinging single with disposable income.
I was well on my way to reaching my goals, already working as a sales representative for the company and having a glowing recommendation from a high level executive at the corporate office in hand.
I had a nice apartment in the best part of town, fully loaded with all sorts of amenities. My days were spent wining and dining clients and my nights spent at nightclubs dancing the night away. My weekends were devoted to sleeping late, lunching with friends and lounging about doing whatever my heart desired. I had no one to answer to other than myself and my finicky cat. Yes, life was good.
One morning shortly after my twenty-fifth birthday I awoke with terrible pain on my right side. I acknowledged to myself that something was wrong. In addition to the pain I had been unreasonably tired and tense for the past few weeks. None of my usual activities held any interest to me. Unsure what exactly was wrong I did what every twenty- something career track woman would do, I ignored the symptoms. But these symptoms did not stay ignorable for long. Instead, as one day bled into the next they continued to get worse and worse until my boss sent me home and demanded that I see a doctor.
Having no choice but to break down and go, I made my way to the closest Urgent Care and explained to the receptionist that I had an agonizing pain in my side next to my hip. Afraid that I could have appendicitis the woman behind the desk immediately fetched a nurse who then escorted to an examination room. I was not particularly concerned, after all I was young and had my whole life ahead of me, nothing bad could be wrong.
It seemed like mere moments before a doctor came in and pushed on my side, eliciting an annoyed curse from me. He fired questions at me in rapid succession while taking my vitals before handing me a plastic cup to go urinate in. I complied with the doctor’s orders and left my little cup of pee on the ledge in the bathroom as instructed. I then made my way back into the little exam room to wait for the doctor to come give me a magic pill that would make the pain go away.
Minutes ticked by and the doctor didn’t come back. Annoyed, I got up and paced, ignoring the burning pain that shot through my side. Finally a quick knock on the door before it opened. I quickly climbed up on to the table and found my heart give a fearful jolt at the look on the doctor’s face.
“What could it be? Cancer? Was I going to die?” I asked myself silently.
“Well Ms. Kuhnert,” he began, “You do not have appendicitis. The pain is caused by a bladder infection; however, are you aware that you are pregnant?”
Pregnant? Did he just tell me I was pregnant? That couldn’t be. I didn’t want children. Ever. Not to mention the complication that would come from a child and a child’s father. This had to be some sort of monumental error.
The rest of the afternoon passed in a blur and before I knew it I was crying in a bathroom stall while waiting to get an ultrasound. Evidently the doctor was unable to determine just how pregnant I was because I had such erratic cycles and I honestly didn’t know when my last one was. Options flew through my head; I could terminate the pregnancy and not tell anyone. Then I would still be able to take the promotion and my life would go back to what it was. I wouldn’t even have to tell dear ol’ dad, whom I knew would not be thrilled by this new development.
My mind continued to work a million miles a minute even as the technician squirted some cold slimy stuff onto my still flat belly and ran a strange looking thing back and forth through the goop. I tried not to look at the monitor over his shoulder; I tried to pretend this was not happening to me and my well planned life.
“Oh my,” he said and I couldn’t stop my eyes from first looking at him and then to the monitor.
I couldn’t believe my eyes. I had always heard that ultrasound pictures look like fuzzy, grey squiggly lines, not this one. There on monitor was a perfectly formed shape of a baby. I could clearly see the head, the legs, the feet, and the hand with perfect little fingers.
My heart gave a leap and stopped when the child growing inside me raised one, perfect, little middle finger up into the air. My child had just given me the finger! Now anyone who knows me knows that flipping the bird is my trademark and nearly all of our family snapshots show me doing just that. The quick thinking tech was able to capture that exact moment on film; the exact moment that I fell head over heels in love.
It turned out that I was four months pregnant and even if I had wanted to I would not have been able to have an abortion that far into the pregnancy. But with that first look at my child I knew that my life was forever changed. I had to grow up and fast.
I told “dad” and he told me goodbye. He walked away and never looked back.
I quit my job; selling beer wasn’t a good job for a mommy to have. I had to give up my fancy apartment for a cheaper two bedroom, one closer to my mom.
The next five months flew by in a frenzy of self-doubt and planning. Some of my friends stood by my side and helped me to figure out what I had to do to get ready. They helped me find affordable furniture, threw me a great baby shower and sat with me through my crying jags. My mother became my best friend. She went with me to see the doctor and she pulled no punches about what to expect. And she held my hand as one Friday morning I brought my beautiful daughter into the world.
My life has changed a lot in ten years since I knew exactly what I wanted from life. I am now married to an amazing man who took one look at my daughter and fell as hopelessly in love with her as me. We also have a son, three years her junior.
I don’t have a loft apartment over looking a skyline. Instead I have a house with a back yard to accommodate the kids and the two dogs. I have no disposable income and my days are spent carpooling and cheering at soccer games. My nights are spent helping with homework and going to PTO meetings. I no longer go to nightclubs, as I am usually asleep before the ten o’clock news ends and lunching with friends is usually done at the McDonald’s Playland over happy meals. Instead of sleeping in late and lounging about on the weekends, I now get up early and spend the days cooking, cleaning and chasing after the children.
I sometimes think about what I had seen as my perfect life, the glitz and glamour. Then I look at myself in my flannel pajamas, a child resting its head on each of my shoulders as we watch Sponge Bob together before making pancakes for Daddy and I realize that I would have missed out on the best part of life had the I taken the other path.
Yes, life is very, very good indeed.
